Picture this: it's late at night, or perhaps early morning. My laptop balances precariously on my lap, heating up the blanket that I have bunched up on my knees, trying to get the computer to a proper position to continue writing. I hit the final key stroke to finish off the last idea and sigh with contentment. I've done it! I've written a book. It's all smooth sailing from here.
Or is it...
I've had many people ask me over the past couple of months, what does it take to write a novel? Well, on a basic level it takes having a functioning computer. Or, in my case, three computers that each function at their own level of ability, or lack thereof, working together to accomplish one very simple task of editing a word document. One computer can choose fonts and do formatting but not process fast enough for my typing speed. The other accepts my typing speed but won't format or save to pdf. And the third can save to pdf but chooses not to participate in any other form of processing whatsoever. Oh the joys of three old, barely functioning, patchwork computers.
But back on track. What does it take to write a novel? One might say it takes skill, but it does not. Anyone can publish quite easily on Amazon and no one checks their work. Therefore, skill is not guaranteed, but then neither is quality. Some might say it takes determination, but I have heard of an indeterminate number of people who hand their book to a publisher and are, from then on, hands off.
In my case, it takes friends.
Writing has always been my passion. In the past I have taken to writing scripts, plays, sermons, papers, and blogs. I have even dabbled in some lengthier writings but have kept those to myself. But my friends finally convinced me to write something longer; something worth publishing.
I think they were expecting an embellished autobiography since much of my life is comical and mildly disastrous; however, I wrote a fantasy fiction novel. Because making up stuff is less work than remembering anything. And if there's one thing I have experience with, it's doing the least amount of work for the greatest reward.
Here is a step by step process on how to write a book:
Step one: Over several years, have multiple friends comment on how you should write a book. Protest vigorously. You don't have the time or the energy to write a book. Have them continue to encourage you until you start to change your mind. Have a disagreement with yourself. You definitely don't have the drive to complete a book.
Step two: Read a book called Mordecai's Ashes by an incredible friend, who is exceptionally talented, and have her figure out the process of publishing so you don't have to. Because you're lazy and you don't have time for that kind of nonsense.
Step three: Have a sleep over with your niece and discuss all the different hypothetical ideas that could possibly be in a book! Come up with names, places, scenarios, animals, and other fun fantastical moments. Then, when she falls asleep, sneak out of the room to your own bed so you can actually get some sleep. Because sleep is life.
Step four: Write a book. Probably best to get fired from your job or something beforehand so that you have the time and feel like you can't possibly do much worse. Lower your standards. Perfectionism isn't your friend in writing. Throw caution to the wind and try not to get hit in the face with it when it flusters back around.
Step five: Befriend someone who is a genius with editing and ask him to edit the book multiple times until you're both so tired of reading it that you end up missing stuff anyway.
Step six: Ask four other friends to catch the stuff that you missed...then pray they find nothing. But they will...and they will likely also miss things. Even professionals miss stuff. Don't fire your friends.
Step seven: Check out cover art online. Decide against online cover art and contact a fabulous artist friend. Pretend things aren't awkward after not talking for at least 15-20 years. Somehow convince said friend to participate in your book project even though she is going through a personal tragedy. Feel terrible about not being a good friend for the next several months even as she creates the most spectacular artwork imaginable, beyond your expectations. Invite her over to drop off the artwork after the process is complete and attempt to "act natural." See a spider crawling up the door and try not to freak out, and promptly fail, looking like a total nut job and freezing in place because you can't talk. Interrupt her intelligent conversation by saying, "I'm sorry, I can't concentrate because..." and point at the spider. Have her wordlessly reach out with her elbow and squish it, eliminating all pretence of mature adulthood in both your lives. She is now your hero for life. Cross-stitch a crown in her honour.
Step eight: Follow the steps on Amazon for creating the perfect pdf for paperback and eBook. Try not to destroy all three of your barely functioning computers by throwing them out the window. Possibly set up a second office so you can stop running from one room to another between where all the computers are stashed.
Step nine: Publish your book.
Step ten: Have several people buy your book and message you that they found mistakes and then panic fix those mistakes and republish as quickly as possible before anyone else buys your book but definitely realizing that there are probably more mistakes and how did you miss those?!
And that is how you publish a book. Now the question is...how do you sell a book?
Check out The Wicket of Silvus on Amazon.
