The Verdict

Have you ever been judged? Have you ever sat in judgement over others? Maybe it was for something you did or didn't do. Maybe it was for something someone else did or didn't do. Maybe it was for something that you said, or they said, or no one said. Maybe judgement happened because of a funny look, or just looking funny. 

As long as I can remember, I wanted to be an author. I wanted to write books full of imagination and fantasy and joy and playfulness. But I have a terrible, squelching fear of being judged. It's not just about me being judged, but my ideas. If someone came up to me and said, "Lisa, you're such an idiot and you look like a complete loser," I could handle that because it's about me externally. It's about a person's perception of the individual I may or may not portray to others. But if someone comes up to me and says, "your book/art/craft/project/etc sucks," that hurts. Because that is no longer a facade I play to make people happy. When I do a project of any kind, be it book or painting or play, that is my deepest, innermost creative side burrowing its way out from the hole it dug itself into and peeking around to see if it's safe. 

I wrote a lot of things as a kid and received a lot of criticism. Either from my peers, my teachers, my classmates, or whomever. If ever I thought I was artistic, someone would tell me I wasn't and tear me down. I still remember making a ginger bread house with my aunt when I was really little and I wanted to be creative in my own childish way and she told me it was going to be too messy and disgusting and I just needed to keep my hands off. So I did. With a lot of things. Because for me, creativity equaled failure. 

But then I began to volunteer in writing children's material for my church. I started when I was a teen, and people actually liked what I wrote. I wrote puppet plays for kids, but the adults were all watching too and both the children and adults laughed, but not with judgement. I spread my talents to things like children's curriculum and summer camp story time plays. I wrote skits for ladies retreats for people I had never met, and they liked it. But all the while I felt I was surrounded by a council of people, letting me do my thing but just biding their time to place judgement on me; to tell me I'm not good enough. As I read through The Wicket of Silvus again, I can see it in the pages of this first book: my fear... my hesitation to let my words flow... my need to hold back.

Although it may not seem like it to anyone else, putting a book out there into the world was a massive act of bravery for me. I have slowly grown out of the dark abyss that my childhood bullies pushed me into, and fought with my self-esteem along the way, only to find out that I don't walk this journey alone. I have not advertised my book anywhere but on Facebook, and my friends, you wonderful friends, have supported me, have told your friends, have passed along the word to others. You are the council of elders, sitting around making judgement, and you have judged it to be worthy, and have compelled me to keep going. 

Thank you.